IMAGINATIONS RUN WILD

2012-01-25T01:51:00.002+08:00

I'm just a little far away now, but doesn't mean I'm not around.

Love,
Christianna.

Dear God...

2012-01-25T00:48:00.004+08:00

Dear God,

Help me, help us. I'm begging you, shine some light here and tell me that everything's going to be alright. I have used up all my contacts and there seems to be no hope at all.

Dear God,

Tell me that this is all a bad dream that lasted for far too long. A friend just disappeared to nowhere during this crucial period. I don't know what to do anymore, how can she just walk away from our Major Project. She was a friend that I trusted a lot, I treated her like my best friend and she left me and the rest of us to fend for ourselves. I feel so betrayed. After all that I've shared with her, she decide that this is the best way that she repays me.

I feel like I just lost a friend, a very good friend. I told myself that I never want her back in my life again because I can't simply go through this again. I just want to move on and graduate peacefully.

Dear God,

I know you may be busy looking over other stuffs, I just hope that my prayer get to you anyway. I just need someone to send some hope into my life again.

I really don't know how much longer I can hold before I go insane. Just tell me everything is going to be alright and we will pull through somehow.

In Jesus' most precious name I pray,
Amen

Love,
Christianna.

2012-01-22T00:57:00.003+08:00

I love you and I miss you.

I just wish that you'd tell me the same.

Love,
Christianna.

2012-01-17T00:02:00.003+08:00

"When you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

Love,
Christianna.

2012-01-13T09:50:00.001+08:00

Dear God, I just need a miracle somewhere, somehow.

Please help me get through this Major Project, it hasn't been going well but I have faith.

2012-01-11T22:36:00.009+08:00

Well, I'm supposed to be working on my Literature Review but I side-tracked and started reading through a really old blog of mine and tears started to roll unknowingly.

You know reading through those old posts (mostly sad ones about my previous relationship), I came to realise how much I've gained in my current relationship.

Derrick is like the best thing that has ever happened to me, apart from having a group of wonderful friends of course.

He's always so forgiving, tolerant and funny and annoyingly cute, I feel like I am such a horrible girlfriend. I don't know how I should put it, but he's amazing. Look at us, look how much we have grown over the past year. Certainly, there are times when we fight and then I become really depressed but those days were never too long.

You know I once imagined my life without him, the conclusion was, I'd never last a day and probably beg him to take me back. What a loser right! But I love that guy, I really do.

All the times we spent just at home watching a movie, cooking together and playing PS2, they are such small little moments but I really enjoy all these with him. I was never a games person, but when we do play games he always tried to include me by playing games that I could win him in (i.e. Wii Bowling and Tekken). And we always have this agreement of him cooking and me washing after, but he will always end up doing both.

Sometimes being at home alone is such a torture, and I will always go over because his house is always so happening and full of laughter that makes me want to stay there forever. His mom and sister are such wonderful people and always took great care of me. Even without him at home, I get along really well with his family, and everything always seem less stressful with them around.

Ever since he got his license, he will occasionally drive me out at night for surprise night walks or spring me with food whenever I'm working hard. He drives me to school/work whenever he could and will always offer to bring me back when I ended late. He even drives my friends back after a late night out. I mean, how sweet is that!

I am really fortunate to have met him. When we were friends, everyone told me I'd always end up together with him and they were right. I regretted not listening to them sooner so that I could enjoy that few years more of happiness and sweetness.

Hey Derrick, you are probably shocked that I wrote this post and then you'll text or call to say "see I told you I'm such a great guy".

I know that you love me a lot and I would like say in return, I love you as much even though your hair looks terrible now, so please stop fretting over it. You know I love you for the person you are and I am afraid of losing you just as much as you are afraid of losing me. And this is what makes our relationship so precious, because we cherish each other so much. (*Winks)

So yupp (popping the 'p'), he's pretty upset cause of the drastic change in his hairstyle, so this post is just to cheer him up. :)

I love you baby!

Love,
Christianna.

2012-01-04T22:38:00.006+08:00

I'm afraid of losing the ones I love. Who knew this would happen?

Oh God, I feel so superficial and I am such a bad friend.

A friend just told me something I never seemed to notice. How could I ever doubt our friendship, after all that we've been through? It happens everytime and all I think of each time about myself.

I feel so superficial and terrible. I'm so sorry.

Love,
Christianna.

My Journey with Him

2012-01-01T22:03:00.005+08:00

I attended my first church service when I was 14 years old.

Then I strayed.

I returned back to church when I was 18.

And then I strayed once again.

But now, I am more than certain that I truly believe You.

Thank You Lord for never giving up on me.

Love,
Christianna.

Best that can be.

2012-01-01T21:48:00.002+08:00

A night of jokes, pranks and joy.
Mahjong, vodka and Sabotuer, we just had the time of our lives.

Life just can't get any better than spending time with great people.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-2012

2011-12-31T16:55:00.004+08:00

Celebrate and savour the last day of 2011, leave the negative feelings behind and let's welcome 2012 with an open heart and mind.

I’ve gained a lot during the past year…

I’ve met a lot of new wonderful people and became great friends with them, especially my dearest colleagues at C3A. I've also developed a stronger friendship with Derrick’s family, extended family and friends.

I’m glad that my grades improved the past year and I’m now at the last lap of my Polytechnic studies, hopefully my Major Project will pull through.

I have been travelling a lot too and certainly hope to visit more and more countries next year. I hope to go on a backpacker's trip soon!

For the coming New Year, I hope to seek forgiveness from God for all the things that I have done wrongly and from the people whom I may have disappointed.

I am thankful for my wonderful family, friends and the people that I have not met. I hope that 2012 will be another great year and may relationships grow stronger and stronger as friends become closer and closer.

Lastly, thank You God for bringing Derrick to my life. We’ve been through a lot of tough times this year and please let 2012 be a better one for us. Oh and another note, we're still not getting married yet! Please be patient!

Love,
Christianna.

The Story of Us

2011-12-31T09:57:00.001+08:00

Love this song, brings back a lot of memories.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-12-29T23:08:00.003+08:00

Wish you were here...

Colours and Promises

Love,
Christianna.

Hi

2011-12-25T23:57:00.005+08:00

I don't know if I should be thankful that my heart is no longer feeling pain, or that I am no longer pinning any hopes.

After a whole afternoon of crying, drinking and sleeping, I guess I feel much better now, just that my heart is empty. It's like there is nothing inside anymore, no feelings, no hurt, no happiness, but filled with nothingness.

Honestly, it feels as if I have lost myself, to someone so far away that I can never get it back.

I don't know what I am living for anymore, this emptiness is slowly killing me.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-12-25T12:33:00.004+08:00

Today is Christmas, and I am drowning myself in alcohol, hoping to numb all the pain I'm feeling.

I feel dejected, sadness and anger. A mixture of all these negative feelings is making me feel pain all over my body. Tears keep falling and there seem to be nothing that I can do to make them stop.

I put in effort to make others happy, hoping that in the process, this gesture would be reciprocated. But no, all I get in return is disappointment and sadness.

Everyone is happy, they are enjoying. But I'm not, I'm just here ranting on this space trying to make my pathetic self look better.

It's always like this isn't it? All your hopes get up and all they do is destroy them one by one, and killing the only heart that you have.

I don't know what to say anymore. This sadness is overwhelming me.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-12-24T22:07:00.000+08:00

A lonely Christmas eve, I hope it will get better.

As usual, I'm hiding in the toilet.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-12-15T16:47:00.002+08:00

Christmas is coming!

Love,
Christianna.

2011-12-04T22:39:00.001+08:00

I am glad that I am on very close terms with Derrick's parents. At least when I'm with them, it feels like I have a proper family.

This doesn't mean that I don't love my mom and brother. I just feel more at home and relaxed when I am at Derrick's place. It feels as if I can just stay here forever...

I don't feel like going back home tonight, but it's work-day tomorrow so I have to.

Love,
Christianna.

2.12.2007

2011-12-02T10:01:00.001+08:00

Today is 2nd of December, probably the only day that I dread every single year.

Because it's Cecilia's death anniversary.

4 years ago, on this day when she decided to take her life, she left behind her precious family and daughter who love and miss her dearly every day. She's left behind her niece who has never forgotten and will never forget her love and presence, me.

I regretted not being by her side that morning and not taking care of her properly like I should have. Maybe if that morning I did not agree to go to that baby shower, things would have been different. She would have been here watching me as I grow up, she would have recovered or probably recovering from her illness and enjoying life like she should have been.

All the memories play back and year after year, I wish I could turn back time and bring her back. I miss her, I missed her so much nobody understood why, and neither do I.

They tell me her passing brought her out of the suffering that all of us could do nothing about. They tell me she is happier at wherever she is now. But they don't know anything at all.

They knew nothing about my relationship with her, we were closer than family, we were like sisters. They don't know anything about the memories we shared or the laughter we had.

I can't bring myself to be glad that her death brought an end to her suffering, I just can't... I cry each time I think about her, I ask myself questions that I doubt anyone can provide answers for.

I just wish that she was here... To watch me grow up just like how an older sister should.

These emotions grow stronger and stronger each year as I remind myself on this day how she died. These feelings become more overwhelming and seem to be consuming all the last strength I have left to face her death.

4 years have passed, some say I have mourned for her long enough and that I should move on, but I can't.

I miss her so much...

I know I have posted this song before, but this song describes my feelings perfectly.

Love,

Christianna.

2011-11-23T19:24:00.002+08:00

When silence falls between us tonight, remember I miss you dearly.

Love,

Christianna.

I Love You

2011-11-13T21:29:00.001+08:00

Saturday was a horror.

Thank you Derrick for being there when I needed that support.

Thank you for sticking up for me, for protecting me.

Thank you for hearing me.

I love you so much.

2011-11-07T09:34:00.001+08:00

Whoa whoa whoa, look who's here! November! Just one month more to my favourite December!

This year passed a little too quickly right? I mean, we're in November already! In no time, we'll be counting down the New Year. Just to reiterate, my mom has already started to buy her New Year clothes.

I took a day off last week because of this very bad flu and cough, which thankfully recovered the next morning and I was able to return back to work. And this weekend, Derrick caught the flu bug and after spending a day together, the virus decided to attack me again. I hope I will be recover tomorrow.

Will blog soon, or rather when I feel like it.

By the way, I updated the new Blogger interface, and I really think that I'm losing touch with all these high-technological stuffs.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-10-25T11:00:00.007+08:00

Have you ever felt this feeling of loss, this feeling of uncertainty that makes you feel so lost of what you're going to do after graduating from Poly?

I'm considering my options, but Gerontology is still not widely available in Asia and this leaves my options to either Australia or UK. I have always wanted to study in UK, but just the thought of leaving my mom behind is already so painful.

Each day I see her watch me grow up, I feel myself growing up. I hope I can protect her, from all that this society has disadvantaged her. I feel indebted to her, for all that she's done for me, for all the unconditional love and for protecting me.

Working at C3A has taught me a lot and I really enjoying working there. That brings me to my second point, should I go to work and leave University aside first? Would it be selfish to want to enjoy for as long as I can? I love studying, I don't even think that I would ever stop learning. First my degree, then Masters, perhaps double-Masters or even a PhD.

But the inequality of the Singapore education system is deterring me. I often have thoughts of migrating to a place where learning is not meant to teach our younger children to be competitive or let them see education as something stressful. What has learning really become to?

I want to go to NUS or NTU; but honestly what are the chances of me even getting in? With a mere GPA of 3.5/3.6. I've thought of holding a government bond but 6 years after I finish my degree, is it even considered worthy? I don't know.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-10-19T05:29:00.004+08:00

It's painful, more painful than I thought.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-10-18T20:01:00.003+08:00

You know what really disgusts me? You trying desperately to clear up all this shit you've created for yourself. It's because you know this relationship is coming to an end, that's why you're trying so hard to make up for all the things that you've said but haven't done.

Do you honestly think this way? That I will be fine after a day or two? That I'm just experiencing my PMS? All these feelings have been accumulated, they don't develop overnight.

I'm sorry things have to turn out this way. I believe if we take a step back, perhaps you will truly understand what went wrong and how you can learn to treat people as they deserve.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-10-17T21:07:00.007+08:00

I really don't know what else can I hold on to in this relationship. It seems to be getting us nowhere. I feel like I'm gradually giving up subconsciously. All these disappointments pain me, it makes me feel as if there's nothing I can do to make things right.

Sometimes I just want to tell you to stop making up lame excuses for yourself because it's worse than lying. I mean I'm not an idiot, I have feelings and I know exactly how it feels like to be disappointed.

I really hate it when you promise me something, so small as to accompany me to the doctor, and I wound up walking to the doctor wishing you were there with me. I don't even want to find out what happened in between anymore. I asked myself, why am I struggling in this relationship that seems to be getting me nowhere. What happened to all the happiness and laughter? One moment we are so happily in love and then when something happens, it crushes all that happiness in me.

Is it me? Or is it we?

Why am I so pathetic? I'm typing this out on my blog that I doubt anyone will ever read. I'm so depressed and I'm giving up.

These days I'm telling myself that happiness is short-lived, and they will be gone the next time I turn around. And this is our relationship, it's short-lived and the next time we turn around and try to reach out to each other, we'll be gone for good.

Tell me, how much do you cherish me? How much do you really care about this relationship? Don't even answer me, because all the things you say are always politically correct. In the end, it will always end up to be me who's making a big fuss about things and you're the one trying to accommodate me.

My silent cries, my woes, my secrets, my worries. I beg of you, listen to me. You know, I never knew I would end up having to beg my own boyfriend to give me some warmth and care.

I'm really tired and I really tried.

Maybe it's time to let things go...

Love,
Christianna.

Dreams

2011-10-09T19:30:00.002+08:00

What are dreams?

What's my dream?

Love,
Christianna.

2011-10-05T21:00:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wish I was single.

Love,
Christianna.

Dead Promises

2011-10-04T23:44:00.006+08:00

The last thing I want in life is for someone to promise me something and then forget about it the next minute. Even if I have forgotten about it, at least make it a point to remember that you promised me something, it makes the whole relationship even more special than it already is.

Where did all the promises that you've made gone to? Some place in your mind called "Forgotten Memory"?

I know you remember all the numbers and dates of our relationship together, which I don't. But at least I don't break promises as often as you do.

Oh and I don't tell you "I will not break any promises or 'say and no action' anymore", at least I try my best to deliver what I promise on time or sometimes a little late. I don't make these words and promises disappear out of my life completely.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-09-26T22:42:00.005+08:00

Dear God,

I know You might be too busy to be reading this, I hope that my prayers get to You anyway.

You know, the moment I realized I was sleeping less than 5 hours a day, I kind of foresee myself relying on those medicine again. Why is my life this way? Why do I have to keep depending on those medicine? It depresses me, it makes me lose hope, lose that little strength that I have for myself. It feels as if I have lost control not only of my life, but also of my own body...

I just want myself to be normal again...

Dear God, help me.

2011-09-25T20:57:00.004+08:00

What is trust, when they are just mere words.

I just want to fix it somehow.
But many times will it take for me to get it right?
Will someone care to notice how much I care?

I know, I'm slowly pushing you out of my life.
I just want myself back, do you know?

Love,
Christianna.

2011-09-24T12:47:00.002+08:00

So now what?

Love,
Christianna.

2011-09-19T22:10:00.001+08:00

Going to fetch my boyfriend soon! I was in my happiest mood but mom just had to spoil it by spraying this new room spray that smells like fermented cheese and smelly toufu from Hong Kong.

I think even insect repellent smells better.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-09-19T00:19:00.004+08:00

I really miss Derrick a lot. So many days without him by my side is really unbearable; but somehow I've managed to pull through! I will be hearing his irritating voice and seeing his idiotic smile again. This guy has really taken up a huge place in my heart, and mind!

Another approximate 23 hours till I can touch your big fat tummy.

Love,
Christianna.

What's up?

2011-09-15T23:15:00.004+08:00

So I've started my internship, like finally. I've been counting down the months left in school. I know this shouldn't be the case looking at how much I love studying; but sometimes I feel like I should give up my dream of pursuing Gerontology and contribute to the family first.

There's so much bottling inside my heart and mind. And I've been shopping too much lately, there are so much clothes in that little Smurfs House. (P.S. I use it to store all the new clothes that I buy). H&M's opening in Singapore is a total disaster for me, I keep having this urge to go there without any apparent reason to do so. No, I can't let H&M take over Zara's place in my heart.

Back to internship, it's a dream come true. I've always wanted to work at C3A and now I'm actually working there! I'm learning a lot everyday and my team is a really fun group of people. I can't say that I love working (because I might just end up regretting saying that) but I feel motivated to work.

I even have my own laptop, telephone line and e-mail all set up for me even before I joined. And I really love the private space of my cubicle, it's just so... Big.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-09-11T00:25:00.003+08:00

I don't know how long of this peace I can enjoy, but I want to count each day, be it good or bad, as a blessing.

I want to treasure all these precious people who have been through with me all my ups and downs, all the happiness and sorrows. And to take this space to thank them, for making me who I am, what I am and where I am today.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-09-10T00:55:00.009+08:00

Was I out of my mind to actually think that things were going to get better?
I obviously was.

Things are never going to get better if they don't divorce, brother and I will never be happy, and mom will never be happy. The frowns on her face just pains me so much. I really don't know how much more of this can I tolerate, but I've got to be stronger than mom. So that at least if we really have to go through this break-up, I will be the one holding her tightly and pulling her together.

How wrong was I to actually believe that this man is turning for the better, and might work harder to take care of this family. I was too naive, too stupid.

You know, as I am typing this, I think back about those times we used to spend together as a family. Those Sunday dinners spent at restaurants, those afternoons playing Uno Attack and Poker cards, all these memories of us being a family are still so vivid in my mind.

Sometimes I ask God, "Father, why do I have to go through this?". I ask Him for an answer that sometimes I feel He don't even know how to reply me. But I never lost faith, I never stopped believing that my father would change, I wanted to talk to him, to ask him why things had to turn out this way. But I don't dare to, I don't even know how to approach him without him being all hostile and far away from me.

I cried while typing this blog post. I can't help it, the tears just flowed as my brother Whatsapp me his decision and plans for the future. I could feel his disappointment in our father, and I couldn't help but feel the same sadness. I asked myself why didn't our family turn out like other families. Then suddenly I wished that I wasn't born into this world so I wouldn't have to face all these disappointments from the adults, from my very own parents.

I always tell my boyfriend, how much I envy his family and I really do. Sometimes I wish I had a father like his, a father who truly cares about his wife and children, a father who comes home and talk to his children. But as much as I hope for my father to be like his, it's never going to happen.

I'm losing my hope for this life.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-09-10T00:43:00.002+08:00

You know...

Sometimes when you think things are turning for the better, it just gets worst.

I don't know how to phrase it, but I'm really glad at least I have my mom, brother and boyfriend to walk me through this. I will be stronger, I hope.

Love,
Christianna.

Losing Myself

2011-09-06T04:01:00.003+08:00

What was I anticipating or even looking for? There's nothing, there's no life, no enthusiasm, no rush, no thrill. It seemed like my life had just pushed itself into my own grave.

There's barely anything I want to do now, except to just sit and laze around. What happened to me? What happened to those "I want to go there and here and everywhere" thoughts?

I'm losing myself too quickly.

Where is my self?

Love,
Christianna.

2011-09-06T03:49:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry I love you.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-30T20:41:00.006+08:00

I'm sorry I mess things up again.
I just want you to be happy.
I cried because I'm dumb, I'm retarded, I'm angsty.
I love you so much.

But I'm just a horrible person, a bad girlfriend.

Everytime we fight, I don't want you to give in to me.
You don't have to actually.
You can beat me, scold me or shout at me.
I want us to be equal.

I don't admit defeat easily, that's me.
I won't apologise even though I know I'm at wrong.
But you don't have to tolerate me and my nonsense.
It makes me feel bad, feel inadequate.

I love you so much.

2011-08-30T20:15:00.002+08:00

A lonely night, an even lonelier soul.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-26T15:05:00.002+08:00

I want to eat nuggets.

NUGGETS.
NUGGETS.
NUGGETS.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-26T14:57:00.002+08:00

Have been having fever for the past 5 days ever since I came back from JB on Sunday. Mom is on the verge of sending me to the hospital.

I hope I will get well soon enough. By the way, my hair stinks.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-22T00:06:00.003+08:00

Just as I thought my flu was getting well, it had gotten worse over the weekends. Must be the virus from Derrick and too much kissing.

Anyway, good luck for your exams baby!

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-17T20:27:00.007+08:00

My name is Christianna, I was born in the month of June. I have dark brown hair and eyes. And I'm short.

When I was 1, I was diagnosed with Thalassemia, a hereditary blood disorder. My parents sent me to Sunday Class when I was a child to learn about Confucius' teachings. At Sunday class, I've made a lot of friends. But as I grew older, I began lose contact with them.

I attended primary school at Fuchun Primary and secondary school at Evergreen Secondary, school was one of the places where most of my life was spent at. I still keep in touch with my friends from when I was younger, though we are all doing different things right now, I am glad we kept in touch.

Many things happened while I was still in school; things that upset me, things that upset others. So much of these memories still pain me, hurt me, but these are the memories which also gave me the most happiness.

I dated thrice while I was in school. I've never smoked or do any drugs. I started drinking at the age of 14, mostly vodka and wine. I have never broken any school rule, though I was held in detention once for being late.

I loved Geography and Social Studies, this largely explain why I am doing Social Science now. I hated Mathematics and Chemistry, but my 'O' Levels results did prove that I am not a total idiot when it comes to mixing acids.

I once talked about cutting my hair for more than 2 years. And I guiltily admit that in between 2007 and 2008, I went to the movies more than any normal person should. And my favourite is still Kung Fu Panda on my 16th birthday.

I finally cut my hair in 2010; and I regretted badly because I (do) look better in long hair. During that same year and early 2011 I started travelling around Malaysia and other nearby countries, but my favourite is still that unforgettable trip to Phuket.

I also started to appreciate plays/musicals/whatever nots. The one I love exceptionally was the musical 881. I love night walks around the Esplanade because to me, it is romantic. I've never been on a flyer, or been to Universal Studios Singapore. There was never time for all these, I'm too busy a person.

I enjoy shopping at Zara, Topshop and H&M. My favourite lingerie brand is La Senza and Elle. I like my bedsheets from Aussino, nothings beats having a good night sleep. I've suffered from long-term insomnia and sleep is very important to me; though sometimes I will sacrifice precious sleep for school work.

I love Sushi, and will always make it a point to visit Sakae Sushi every so often. I love the Takoyaki balls from ION Orchard. I love Royce chocolates because they were the first chocolates that my first and current boyfriend gave to me.

My family is the most important people in my life; without my mom I probably won't even survive one week. My aunt passed away when I was 15 and I still miss her dearly each day of my life.

I fall sick easily; everytime I fell sick, I take one week to recover fully. My body is just so weak. I love swimming but recently I haven't been keeping up with my swimming schedule as again, I'm too busy.

I love my boyfriend; though he annoys me, he piss me off, he make me cry, he make me laugh, he acts cute in front of me. He is also one who will drive all the way to Orchard and send each of my friends home and this makes me feel really special. He's not rich, but he will always buy me little gifts to cheer me up. He loves making me small cards and I feel guilty for not doing the same for him. Sometimes I feel I'm too immature, bossy, atrocious, unreasonable. But he is the one to make these negative feelings happy thoughts.

I really appreciate it. The every single little details in my life.

Will you appreciate me too?

Love,
Christianna.

记得

2011-08-17T00:07:00.001+08:00

记得, 谁忘了?

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-11T22:15:00.001+08:00

Hi smile, I miss you, the genuine you.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-07T18:56:00.002+08:00

Why does this have to happen everytime?
Is it me or is it the world that's fooling me?

Every part of me feels ashamed to be me.

2011-08-07T14:49:00.000+08:00

I need help.

Love,
Christianna.

Life As It Is

2011-08-05T05:35:00.002+08:00

It seems like time has gone by so quickly. Just last night I was complaining about the never-ending assignments to Derrick's father and now I'm almost reaching the end of what seems to be the end of my Polytechnic life.

I guess it's time I grow up and let go of the past that has been bothering me too much lately. So much has happened over the years. While catching up with Shu Rou last evening, I've came to realise how much we've really grown and how unpredictable the journey ahead is going to be. I'm afraid of the future, afraid of how's life going to be like when I graduate, wonder if there will be companies willing to employ me.

But I shall not let those uncertainties in life take control of what I am certain of.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-03T18:51:00.003+08:00

I kind of wish I was still 16 right now. 'O' Levels was so much easier than facing all these.

I overestimated myself, now I have to bear the consequences of doing so.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-03T18:45:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling the stress now. Avelife, school and everywhere else. I feel my brain in pain, screaming for me to stop worrying. I've again went against my own rule of not eating the Anti-Stress medicines. I've been too dependent on sleeping pills and anti-stress medicines.

Save me.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-08-03T00:39:00.001+08:00

I try too hard sometimes, I just don't fit in anywhere.
I have to admit, I'm a social retard.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-07-31T23:53:00.003+08:00

Do you ever know how it feels to be jealous/envious of your friends' fathers?
Do you ever know how it feels to have a father and yet feel no love from him?
Do you ever know how it feels to be home with someone you can't even face?

I really don't know how I'm going to continue facing this shit, I can't even look at him in the eye. We are strangers, strangers who share the same blood, same family name. I don't even know how you guys tolerate each other, if you want to divorce just do it already. I've told you very clearly that I do not need a house or anything, I just want a place where we can call home, a home where we can find love in.

How difficult is it to fulfil this wish of mine? How difficult is it to just stop letting me face all this shit like I haven't been facing enough already. It's been almost 7 years, 7 fucking years of coming home and feeling like shit.

You don't even care about how I feel, and why should I? I loved you so much and I can't bear to see you hurt and destroyed, unable to protect yourself. But mom, there is nothing I can do if you don't want to do anything to change.

We need each other in this, can you understand this?

Love,
your daughter.

2011-07-22T04:42:00.001+08:00

男人男人.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-07-16T20:21:00.003+08:00

The other day mom experienced some pains on her chest and we were really worried as our family had history of cancer. I told her to check it with her doctor and this afternoon she called to say that everything was fine.

I wasn't at home or with her at the doctor's as you all know, I'm literally always at Derrick's place to avoid you-know-who. It made me really guilty because I'm her daughter but I am not putting enough effort to spending time with her. But I hope everything will be fine and I will be able to find more time to spend with dear mummy once I'm done with most of my assignments!

Love,
Christianna.

2011-07-12T22:06:00.002+08:00

I'm undecided, I'm lost, and I'm confused.
I'm just a young person whose ability has reached its max.

Love,
Christianna.

Heaven Knows

2011-07-12T20:25:00.003+08:00

Tell me, what were we trying to hide then?
If it pains you to see me sad, then don't let go.
If it hurts you to see me cry, then hold me close.
Now that I'm alone, I hope and pray that you're still holding on.

Maybe our hearts will find their way, only heaven knows.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-07-11T10:50:00.004+08:00

There are two groups of people in your life.

One which you can easily relate, talk and share your feelings with. And the other which you can only have fun with.

Unfortunately for me, I have too many secrets accumulated from when I was younger and now I can only keep my feelings to myself. I wish I was able to abandon these secrets and start anew, but they always come haunting me.

I need a little luck.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-07-03T20:56:00.002+08:00

我不難過。

Love,
Christianna.

2011-06-29T21:42:00.001+08:00

Almost clicked the 'Purchase' button today, I admit I'm going crazy because I just want to play Smurfs' Village. It's becoming an addict. I am nuts about Apple though I own a Blackberry.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-06-28T11:33:00.002+08:00

Dear iPod Touch,

I'm sorry I left you at the toilet and could not get you back. I am as depressed as you are right now. Thank you for being my companion all these years, I'm really grateful for all the fun that you have given me. Thank you for accompanying me wherever I went. Please be safe and happy in the hands of others.

Love,
your owner.

2011-06-26T11:50:00.004+08:00

You're my miracle.

While I was away in Hong Kong, I realised how vulnerable I can be without you. I become easily beaten without you, I become weak without you. That's why I told myself I will never want to leave home without you again.

I missed you a lot during my trip, but it was worthwhile for it made me understood how important you are to me and how much I cherish you.

Love,
Christianna.

Regrets...

2011-06-16T01:51:00.003+08:00

One of the worst mistakes I've made...

Was to chop off my waist length hair. And I am totally regretting it as I looked through my photos from early 2010.

I'm going to tell my mom this tomorrow "I'm sorry mama, I will never do it again" in my most remorseful voice.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-06-15T22:17:00.004+08:00

The blues are kicking in, every year 2 days before my birthday I will feel myself getting all emotional.

That's why I hate birthdays (mine alone that is). They are just another day of the year, what's the big deal about celebrating it? But on the other hand, I really do appreciate everyone who take the effort to make it a special day every year.

This week had been a rough one, and I feel like crying everytime I see my bankbook. I wasted yet another 500 bucks. *Big sigh* The tears are welling up, thoughts of birthdays, spending unnecessary money, last minute changes, freaks me out. And mom's been putting a lot of stress on me since Monday.

Life sucks at this moment.

Love,
Christianna.

That Man

2011-06-11T03:04:00.003+08:00

That man who love me so wholeheartedly
He who would give up everything for me
The person who will always make me cry
Sometimes I doubt him, and myself
Then I realised all these have been useless thoughts

Because he who love me so wholeheartedly, never once left my side.
Because he who love me so wholeheartedly, will never let me face my fears alone.
Because he who love me so wholeheartedly, chose to love me with his everything.

And I will be the person who is worthy of his love.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-06-01T23:04:00.005+08:00

A failed attempt to watch the sunrise together, but nevertheless it was a great way to start morning with you only.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-05-19T01:12:00.004+08:00

Today my boyfriend drove me to watch Fast & Furious 5 and then to supper because I was craving for porridge.

Then we called our friends to join us, it was nice meeting them after so long. It felt like we've grown so much, so fast.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-05-14T11:57:00.004+08:00

I've been living in a heartache, the pain was so unbearable I feel like crying everytime I think about all the unhappiness.

Then again, who's fault was it. No one's.

The frowns on my forehead seems to be permanent after 1 week of twisting. My eyes are so swollen I don't know how much make-up I'm going to use for the forthcoming weeks. For the past few days, I found myself desperately trying to find a way out of this heartache and stop those tears from dehydrating my body.

I love you, and that's all that matters right now.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-05-14T11:45:00.002+08:00

"寂寞寂寞就好."

Love,
Christianna.

2011-05-09T23:48:00.006+08:00

We are bound to have hurt someone in life.
I hope the person who hurt me doesn't have to be you.

Perhaps you're right, perhaps I'm wrong.
Now that you've found out about everything,
there is nothing more to hide, no more secrets to keep.
It hurts a lot, but there is nothing more I can do.
Everything that I've said are nothing but the truth.
Don't doubt me because it pains my heart, it makes me cry.
Vulnerable, emotional; I'm nothing but a broken soul.
Understand my pain, the cries at night, the tears from my eyes.
My heart is broken, it's weak.
Please, don't deny my fears and worries.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-05-09T01:00:00.002+08:00

A very good friend of mine told me this today:

"Don't put your confidence based on people's expectations of you."

I've been too hard on myself, and I've expected too much. Now I just hope for things to go back to where it began and slowly build up my confidence from scratch. I hope it will not be too difficult.

Hi Life,

Welcome back.

Love,
Christianna.

The Only Exception

2011-04-23T21:43:00.001+08:00

"You are the only exception."

Love,
Christianna.

2011-04-23T21:13:00.005+08:00

Today while having tea with my mom at a cafeteria, I saw many students coming from the direction of the library. Then I realised I have not been to the library for a long time. The last time should be in 2009. The library I always frequent now is either Republic Polytechnic's library or my school library.

I kind of miss those days when I'm studying because I wanted to, because I needed to. Though I grumbled and complained about having to studying for exams and all, but today I miss those days. I miss mugging for 'O' Levels, miss mugging for Class Tests and quizzes. I miss Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry and my favourite Principles of Accounts. I miss Year 2007 and 2008; life was so carefree then. Everyday I go to school, on Wednesdays I will go for dance practice and I will go to the library on weekends. During that time I thought life would be the same even after I graduated.

But things have changed. My friends and the people whom I used to hang out with now lead different lives from mine. People have walked in and out of my life even the ones I cared for and loved most. So much have changed over the years and many of us have grown.

Maybe some of us don't remember who we were before, maybe some of us have forgotten why we used to quarrel over the smallest issues, maybe some of us cannot recall why we were friends in the first place. But one thing I know is that I may have left a mark in someone's life, I may have impacted someone's life.

These days I am beginning to forget a lot about my past and my purpose of living. Maybe I just need someone to bring back the motivation and drive I used to have...

Love,
Christianna.

2011-04-19T23:24:00.004+08:00

Sometimes being unable to reason out with myself, I shut the world out. Hoping maybe for a little peace and time to myself, but always neglecting how the people around me might get affected.

I had been sick and during these 5 days, I talked to no one but my mom. I enjoyed the quietness and the feeling of freedom, like there was really nothing for me to do. So I watched the dramas I've been wanting, but never happened, to watch. Life was like a bliss, like all of a sudden God gave me the opportunity to find back my self.

But being greedy, I'm asking for more time like this... For me to clear my thoughts and get ready for the tough year ahead. Ironically, it seems like it is not too much to ask for, yet it is still too much to ask for.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-04-13T01:57:00.003+08:00

Hi love,

I was searching for an idea/a gift for our anniversary. I really don't know what to get you because you're so special that no gifts can describe your love for me and mine for you.

Perhaps we should just cook pasta and cuddle up to watch a movie together. But whatever it will be, I'm looking forward to 1st May and everything else with you.

I love you.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-04-11T20:17:00.004+08:00

I had been trying to write, but all that I've been thinking doesn't seem to come out easily as words. It is hard to describe, and hard to find an answer to my question.

I walked past Block 325 just now where I used to buy fried rice/fried noodles for dinner. Then the lady boss asked, "I haven't seen you in a while!" and I thought yeah, I haven't been there since 2008, it felt like there was no reason for me to be there.

There may be still some things I'm trying to forget, some I'm trying to forgo and others that no matter how hard I try I will never remember.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-04-01T00:24:00.003+08:00

"We can be, what we want to be."

Hi, happy April fools'. It's been a long while, please be patient.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-03-15T15:18:00.004+08:00

Each time we try to hold back our tears and feelings, more often our faces give us away. Some emotions are difficult to hold, difficult to hide.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-03-04T15:42:00.005+08:00

Finally, we've booked the tickets and hotel for our trip. The hotel has a unique name and that is: Sleep With Me.

I am really looking forward to the trip. I really hope that in future, we will be able to travel together across Asia and Europe. I want to fill our memories with happiness and traveling adventures that we can share with our children next time.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-02-28T09:40:00.004+08:00

Kit Chan - Regrets

I remember myself saying this last night: "Forget the past and move on to the future. Life, like time don't wait for anyone."

I will enjoy every moment of studying before I graduate, at least I will try to remind myself that.

I need to go now, need to get back to those notes.

Love,
Christianna.

Hear the Words I Say

2011-02-11T06:01:00.003+08:00

Jesse McCartney- Take Your Sweet Time

I want to travel the world with you.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-02-02T11:03:00.004+08:00

Perhaps sometimes I ask for too much.

I need to learn to be appreciative, and not take things/people for granted. Maybe sometimes I just need people to be there physically for me.

I'm sorry for all the things that I've done wrongly. I am learning to become a better person.

There are so much things that we can't possibly change overnight, we need to give each other time and support.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-01-31T08:48:00.002+08:00

All these thoughts are killing me. I don't know how else to express them. I hope the rain wash away all the unhappiness, all the cries and sorrow.

I need rest, a lot of rest.
I need care, not pretentious, occasional 'I will always be there'.
I need love, but not your superficial love.
I need hope, yet my mind is telling me not to be hopeful.
I need you, but you don't.

I'm only another person in your life.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-01-30T20:32:00.001+08:00

I miss the life I used to enjoy.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-01-28T12:30:00.002+08:00

How much do you remember?

How much of the past can you recall?

Honestly, none. There's no point, no use because people end up forgetting you.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-01-28T11:13:00.004+08:00

Yesterday I asked mom if we will be going over to Richard's for renuion dinner this year. She replied with a sad smile:"They didn't invite us." Then I said, "You said the exact same thing last year and for every Christmas!"

I love my mom.

I love you too ahgong.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-01-21T02:09:00.003+08:00

Tell me how different is different?

Academically smart, creative, responsible, punctual, sincerity, honest, humble, tolerance.

Is this my definition of SNAG?

Nonsensical messages, paranoia, possessive, insecure.

Turns out there's no difference in difference, just that I view it differently.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-01-19T22:51:00.002+08:00

I feel so miserable sometimes that I feel like walking out and never return again.

I swear life will be so much easier without him.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-01-09T14:48:00.004+08:00

A little too late, but my new year resolutions are:

1. To move out to a place we can call home and make it our home.

2. To spend my time and money wisely.

3. To travel somewhere with my boyfriend. (P.S: No more Malaysia! If you know what I mean!)

He answered my prayers, He brought hope back into my life again.
And it's all I need, HOPE.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-01-07T02:35:00.002+08:00

Thank you everybody for being there, especially you.
I need strength and courage, faith and trust, sincerity and concern.
It's all I need to keep me going.

Love,
Christianna.

2011-01-04T19:14:00.001+08:00

C: Sghhhh~
D: Why sigh? :)
C: Reading your 2006 posts!!!
D: I shall delete the blog! Haha!
C: No!!! Just love me more. :)

Love,
Christianna.

Stupid

2011-01-03T01:32:00.002+08:00

I just did the stupidest thing. I never think before doing anything do I? I just wasted money again when I told mom that I'm going to save so that life will not be so difficult on her. I wanted to just get a facial form and ended up getting more things that were not necessary for me.

All of a sudden, I feel I am so stupid and never think before I act.

Love,
Christianna.

Family...

2010-12-29T23:25:00.002+08:00

I promised myself that we will walk through this no matter what, I will face it positively and work harder for a better life to support my only family that I love so much.

I know it is difficult. Everyday I tell myself to hold back the tears I've been hiding from everyone else, I try to be happy in front of everyone. But when I am alone, everything seem so difficult again, I see life so negatively again. What if we don't get through this? What if my mom breaks down and leave me? What if I cannot take it anymore?

Everyday my mind is full of thoughts about home, negative thoughts about home haunt me whenever I am out. I try to kick away those thoughts but they just keep coming back. When I am at home, I cannot concentrate on my work and all I want to do is sleep my worries away.

I am really upset and I really don't know what I should do now.

My eyes are tearing again. Maybe all I need is serenity.

Love,
Christianna...

2010-12-28T13:30:00.002+08:00

Honestly, why can't we just leave this place? It kills every single cell in me to stay here and pretend I'm okay that this house is falling apart. Oh yeah, I'm happy dad, I'm so happy for you that you're losing everything you've got.

It doesn't mean that I don't say anything and I don't get a say. I have my views, my thoughts and even feelings that you people don't give a damn about. I have pretentious family members who tries very hard to be nice but honestly, can you spare a thought for my poor mom? She married to your son because he promised her happiness and to walk through the thick and thin. But what is he doing now? He's leaving everything to her worry, to in fact his children's worries.

He can just leave this place and never come back and I honestly wouldn't care. Do you think Josh and I are happy? We just can't wait to move out and start our lives anew.

It just sucks to be stuck in a place where you can never call home again.

Love,
Christianna.

Despair

2010-12-08T23:44:00.005+08:00

I can't sleep and I can't study.

My mind is full of so much worries and uncertainties. I don't know how we're going to go through this but I hope at least we'll be happier. I don't understand why she choose to go through this shit with him knowing that no matter what she do, this man will never give her the happiness that he had once promised her.

Where are the people who claimed to be our family? Who said that they will stand by us? Liars.

If I could, I would have quit school and supported my mom. It hurts to see her suffering so much and there is nothing that I can do to help her. The whole night I've been thinking of talking her into a divorce, then at least we can be truly happy, then at least she don't have to suffer anymore.

I don't even understand why Josh and I have to go through this, it's like psychological torment. I hate life like this, I just want my perfect family back without him of course.

I don't care how others are going to look at us, how they are going to judge us, I just want her to be happy. And I want my loved ones to be happy.

I know how hard life will be without him. Sometimes I feel he's just there to pay the bills and that's that. He doesn't care about our well-being and he know nuts about being a good husband/father. To me, he's just a bastard.

How can someone torture their family this much? How can he bear to see her suffering? Where did all the promises he made went? What about the vows they've exchanged? He's not worthy of our love anymore. Each day, I get more and more tired. The thought of facing him at home just sucks.

I love my mom so much, I don't want to see her suffer anymore.

Let's move out mom.

Love,
Christianna.

2010-12-07T20:50:00.002+08:00

It's been a long while, hope all was well with everyone. Term tests are round the corner and then after I'll be away from Singapore for a short holiday.

Hope term tests will go well. Good luck!

Love,
Christianna.

2010-11-29T00:29:00.005+08:00

I was brain drained yesterday.

Then something strucked me and I think that I've been becoming unreasonable lately. As I grew older, I always told myself to be less anxious and over-confident. Today I just realised how difficult it was to change for the better.

So I asked my boyfriend to discipline that mean kid in me and help me change for the better. I guess in some ways a couple do actually help each other change and they eventually become better people than they first met.

And that's why I appreciate him in my life from we first met till now and more as each day passed. And that, is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Love,
Christianna.

2010-11-23T23:31:00.003+08:00

You chose to walk away first.

There are some things that we can never forget or remember. Forsake them, because you're worth more than just tears and unhappy memories.

Love,
Christianna.

2010-11-22T20:13:00.003+08:00

If we don't treasure what we have now, we will lose it. They have become a really important part of my life.

Love,
Christianna.